Sunday, 23 April 2017

The "I Don't Care" Years

Two years is a long time. A long time to ignore your health, your body, your thoughts. I didn't know it at the time but I was burnt out. I was living with diabetes burnout.

What is diabetes burnout? Some have defined diabetes burnout as: 
- "a term given to the state of disillusion, frustration and somewhat submission to the condition of diabetes"
- "a state in which patients grow tired of managing their diabetes and ignore it for a period of time"
- "can mean so many things to anyone who lives with any type of diabetes, and it can be triggered by any number of events or by nothing more than the daily physical and mental burden of living this disease" 

Was I disillusioned and frustrated? Yes. For several reasons.
Was I tired of managing diabetes? Yes. Eight years of vigilance.
Was I tired mentally? Yes. It was always on my mind, both in good ways and not so good ways. I just wanted to be like everyone else.

And I chose to ignore it, for a while. Two years.

Oh, I told myself I was going to get back on track. I told myself I would start testing. I even went back to the specialized services for some help. I had very encouraging news: after ten years with diabetes, the pancreas usually wears out. Because I had done such a great job, I had preserved about 80% of my pancreas. WOW!!!

Did that get me back on track? Nope.

Maybe I should see the Registered Dietitian-CDE...ok, but I know quite a bit...saw her, nothing new. That's good, I'm motivated now. Lasted a couple days.

I'm going to start walking again, but, my feet hurt, I have shin splints and my back is killing me. And the weather is bad--too hot, too cold, too rainy, too much, I think I'll stay home. 

I went back to LoseIt! Connected with app friends again. Promised I'd stay. Nope.

And the whole time, I felt emotionally exhausted. I just didn't want to do it anymore. Were the professions right? Was it because I was testing too often? I don't think so. I just think I was tired. Sick and tired of it all.

I'd watch my family eat whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Many people say, just don't bring junk food into the house. Easier said than done. I'm the one with diabetes. Not my family. Don't get me wrong, they were and still are very supportive. But I'm the one with the disease. I should have enough control in my life. To look after myself. To avoid the junk. To eat healthy. To exercise. It hurts my brain just thinking about it.

As an aside, isn't the word 'should' just filled with all kinds of nasty guilt? Ya, like I couldn't feel guilty enough without something else to feel guilty about!

I kept wanting to be back on track but it just didn't happen. I couldn't make it happen. Then life got in the way. Other things in life took over. My elderly parents were in a bad way. Dad's health was not good.

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